Discriminant Function Analysis

Migratory Advancement and Darkening of Body Hair, Expresses as the Inverse Function of Receding Hairline and Shade Amendment

In between coffee breaks and water cooler conversation I find time to jot down a few notes. Sitting in a borrowed cubical I look around for distractions, something to slow my productivity. Personal photographs and pension plans provide me no pleasure. The voyeuristic aspect of my mind recedes into the gulf of my cerebral cortex. I am now faced with only one option, start working. I pull the ‘Bic Round Stick’ from my pocket, its black… I prefer blue. However I digress.

Looking down at the work sheet, my gaze is interrupted by something dark and disturbing. There is hair on the back of my hand. The hair doesn’t cover the entire dorsal surface; it affects the most medial aspect, branching from my arm and radiating distally. The intruder has only infiltrated part way up my hand, and has stopped short approximately 1 cm from the knuckle. 

Some individuals are more representative of a sasquatch than others. While I have no desire to return my integument back to its pre-pubescent form, the notion of migratory filamentous epidermal growths arising from the skin is somewhat disturbing. Living with my body allows me to note slight changes in appearance and performance. The reduction in cardio capacity can be viewed as a reciprocal integer of waist size. Changes in shape and performance are seen as less intrusive because we are, or at least perceive that we are, in control. I have no control over the resettlement occurring on my hand. 

Conversely, the changes occurring on my head may be seen as adventitious. Migration patterns have not been noted in the capitus region to date. However, like the changing autumn leaves, the shade of my hair amends. These changes excite and stir dreams of grandeur from within. I look at gray hair as sort of license or certificate, authorizing me to be of repute.

Unfortunately, as aggressive migration continues on my core and extremities so does color failure at higher altitudes. The simultaneous advancement of these two contradictory indicators of character provides little opportunity for advancement founded upon visualization. As characteristic stereotypes of oafishness and intellect battle within the integumentry theater of operations I am forced to find new venues for personal development.

Beauty may not be skin deep; perception will remain superficial to the skin as epidermal growths continue to dominate visual fields.

Scrotal Saftey Commission

In keeping with our history of high quality posts, Discriminat Function Analysis presents;

www.ScrotalSafetyCommission.com

The Wake and Bake - Denied

The concept of our show was simple. We play some music, and talk. We call it the wake and bake, aware of the reference and revelling in the ambiguity. Each episode we toss out a recipe just for kicks, in order to maintain the shows attractive title without having to resort to canaboid references. Unfortunately our open minded radio station has elected to "steer clear" of us.

Of course the title of the show was an intentional reference! Why else would anyone listen to it? I don't think that precludes us from broadcasting it over Canadian airwaves.  Chapter 948 of the Broadcasting act (radio regulations) states , Part 1.1 para 3(a) A licensee shall not Broadcast; anything in contravention of the law.

That's as close to a reason as I can muster for excluding our show based on our title. is talking about drug use in Canada illegal? No. Is Clever innuendo Illegal? Are ambiguous statements? no. This is simply outrageous.  What happened to the notions of freedom of speech and expression. Universities were once great places, that welcomed radicals. Now, the institute, and Mr Wellwood alike would prefer to "steer clear" of any potential waves.

Mr Wellwood, you can expect to here from me.

Rejection Letter

2 Weeks ago Nathan, Jon and I submitted an on-line application for a radio show.  To be called "the Wake and Bake", we would take about current events, play some music, and give out  a recipe each show ... in order to maintain an attachment to the shows title. This is what the said.

From: Jason Wellwood - Music Director CILU <jason@lipstickandleather.ca>
Reply To: "Jason Wellwood - Music Director CILU" <musicdirector@luradio.ca>
To: <n_petrie@yahoo.com>
Subject: Programmer Application
Sent: Wednesday, October 12, 2005 1:13 AM

Hello Nathan, I apologize for the delay in getting back to you. I'll be honest, I'm not sure if the title of your show is an intentional reference or not. However, now that the station is on the FM waves any show that intentionally references illegal substances is going to be steered clear of. When we were strictly an internet station, we could get away with that, however now we have the CRTC watching over us and they would not look kindly on something of this sort. As well, we have surpassed our quota for rock based shows. If you wish to rethink your show format (title and basis) and resubmit an application, I would be happy to keep it on file for consideration when an appropriate time slot opens up. Thank you for your interest in CILU. Jason Wellwood Music Director & Program Manager CILU 102.7 FM Thunder Bay, ON www.luradio.ca musicdirector@luradio.ca 807-343-8881 Office 807-766-7207 Request Line

Can Urban Sprawl Be Stopped? : Homestead Theory

The dream to build a new home. Families grow up, moved out, move on. When they do, they want to move new. This appears to be a dominate paradigm in western society. As the baby boomers start to die off, the amount of available housing will greatly out weigh demand. With a surplus in housing, how will western society respond? Radical shifts towards European values should not be expected. Just as our parents moved out of the cities into the suburbs, the next era will move from the suburbs into a comparative residential archetype. 

 Europeans grow up, move on, and move out much like everyone else. They don’t move new, they can’t. While suburbia defined North American culture,Wayne’s World didn’t fair so well in box offices.

 We were settled by Europeans who had a need or inherent desire to homestead. They survived, and their children grew up, moved out and moved on. Generations homesteaded to fulfill their needs. This desire to homestead has almost become instinctual in the western human. What influence will common sense have against genetic instincts?

Coffee and Blood

I am never home. I may be here physically but not mentally. I have been in a constant vegetative state for approximately 3 days. I feel awful. I don’t go out side during the day any more, only at night. I live between the warm glow of a television and the hum of a CPU. I blame my lack of activity on my lack of mobility, I lie to my self. I walked to get a coffee today, there was a kid lying on the street. He had been hit by a car, 2 people attended to him.  An ambulance showed up immediately. The lights were on, but the siren was absent. The kid hadn’t moved. They loaded him in the ambulance, the people left in their car. The ambulance parked itself on the side of the road and turned off is lights. Was this kid dead? Was he ok? Why was there no rush? I turned around, abandoning my plans for coffee. I walk over the intersection, causally stepping over a small stream of blood. Returning the warmth and comfort of the house I procrastinate for hours. So this is what happens when I leave the house? I am staying in tonight.

Medical Management of Penile Zipper Entrapment

Have you ever caught something in your zipper? Do know what to do if it happens to you? Serious medical research has been under taken to answer this question. Book mark this page now! Proper medical management of a zipper entrapped penis is just a click away.
    Discriminat Function Analysis - Your on-line Penile Zipper Entrapment Resource
Zipper Caught on Penis or Chin
    Further Reading on the subject;
Ig Nobel Prize awarded for Zipper/Penis Study
...more articles to follow

Boom Bust Echo: Meet Pandemic Influenza

Dr. David Foots 'Boom Bust Echo' Model is so amazingly obvious, understating its implications can be almost painful. After he spoke last evening a question was raised from the floor, "What kinda of effect would SARS, or bird flu(H5N1) have on your theory?" (or something to that effect).

His response was simple, "none". There would have to be a pandemic of major proportions to influence the model. Perhaps the question was worded inappropriately, after all SARS didn't have a drastic effect on populations, nor did H5N1.

It is hypothesized that a pandemic strain of influenza, similar to that of 1918, would kill approx 33% of the global population. The Spanish flu of 1918 killed 650,000 people, at the time that represented only 3.5% of the world population. 3.5% of today's population would represent 224 million individuals. Scientist are estimating that 33% of the global population will die. This estimate is based on mortality rates of H5N1 (and other avian born influenza) which have ranged from 21% to 77% mortality rates. 

If death tolls were distributed evenly across the population the Boom Bust Echo curve would remain constant. It is theorized that similar to the Spanish flu the next pandemic influenza will effect those age 15-35. 50% of deaths from the Spanish flu were represented in the 15-35 age range.

Using data from the 2001 Canada Census I have created the above graph illustrating the boom bust echo curve we are presently experiencing, mirrored by the population post pandemic. We can clearly see, that with 50% of the 9.9 million deaths expect distributed among the 15-35  age range, and the rest evenly distributed through the population there is a significant impact on Dr. Foots model. There is a great extension to the bust, and the echo curve is greatly reduced.

 

Tapes from the Underground

From :	James Empringham
Sent :	Wednesday, September 28, 2005 3:26 AM
To :	cm_crawford@hotmail.com
Subject :	Tapes from the Underground

Chris, I've spent the last two nights watching the Dylan-Scorcese biopic, loving it, but more so, loving those bootlegs we put down last February. How goes the edit? Those scenes of us (playing horse shoes) out back of the dept. store, North Country through North Country and motel back are vintage archival stuff...

Take it easy, I'll see you on the road, Jempee.

Through the fog Naniboujou was obscured, two tugboats patrolled the breakwater and one of the last lakers was leaving port. I pulled into the marina to enjoy my coffee and simply relax. My initial intent was to read a few pages in preparation for tomorrows test, my efforts proved fruitless.

With the a dull thump, my CD changer advanced to disk number four. I was instantly taken taken back to the Girl from the North Country and Visions of Johanna filled the air. Humidity or emotion, I felt a tug from inside as it passed the breakwater.

The archival footage of James and I lies in wait on the hard disk of Jimmy Smits. The High 8 back ups are buried deep in the basement of 369, waiting for their chance to be digitally remastered. Plans for the initial released were shelved last year after a labour dispute. I have deiced to stop fighting with myself on the issue and upon returning to the bargaining table I have decided to accept my offer. Prompted by the soothing and reminiscent tones of Robert Zimmerman the project is again underway.

Proposed release Date for the tapes from the underground "Stories from a Buick 6 " - Christmas 2005